Tuesday, March 20, 2007
A certain neonatologist wrote a post about guilt on his blog. I do feel guilty about Noah's early birth, NICU stay, and subsequent disabilities. Is this a rational feeling? No. My educated, rational brain realizes that I did everything I was supposed to during my pregnancy and researched exstensively about things that came up in the NICU in order to make educated decisions about his care. The guilt has lessened over time. I would say I'm more my old self than I used to be in the last few months, wheras for the first year or so I was living in a bit of a daze, dealing with what came up that day because that was all I had the strength to do. Why am I writing about this? I made it a general rule not to respond to comments from certain individuals that get under my skin because I've seen it not work well for other preemie mamas. But one such individual said something that has me fuming inside and I'm choosing the cowards option... mention it on my own blog rather than comment. Maybe she'll find me and attack me here. Perhaps I'll have to join the blogger protection program and change my name and say that I have a son named Haon who's a 42 weeker, but nonetheless here's my comment. I would rather feel guilty about my son's early birth & NICU stay than to think of him as a "damaged fetus that nature 'intended' to be miscarried". I've read posts from the mothers who don't feel guilt and frankly many of them have shown themselves to be bitter and angry and unsatisfied with the hand they were dealt in comments on other topics . If in order to get rid of the guilt I have to become like that, I'd rather be guilty. So there.