Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Guilt

A certain neonatologist wrote a post about guilt on his blog. I do feel guilty about Noah's early birth, NICU stay, and subsequent disabilities. Is this a rational feeling? No. My educated, rational brain realizes that I did everything I was supposed to during my pregnancy and researched exstensively about things that came up in the NICU in order to make educated decisions about his care. The guilt has lessened over time. I would say I'm more my old self than I used to be in the last few months, wheras for the first year or so I was living in a bit of a daze, dealing with what came up that day because that was all I had the strength to do. Why am I writing about this? I made it a general rule not to respond to comments from certain individuals that get under my skin because I've seen it not work well for other preemie mamas. But one such individual said something that has me fuming inside and I'm choosing the cowards option... mention it on my own blog rather than comment. Maybe she'll find me and attack me here. Perhaps I'll have to join the blogger protection program and change my name and say that I have a son named Haon who's a 42 weeker, but nonetheless here's my comment. I would rather feel guilty about my son's early birth & NICU stay than to think of him as a "damaged fetus that nature 'intended' to be miscarried". I've read posts from the mothers who don't feel guilt and frankly many of them have shown themselves to be bitter and angry and unsatisfied with the hand they were dealt in comments on other topics . If in order to get rid of the guilt I have to become like that, I'd rather be guilty. So there.

5 comments:

Lisa said...

Sorry, I messed that up. LOL

Sometimes guilt is the only motivation I have to get up in the morning and be a good Mommy... I know it isn't the best motivation but it is better than giving up. Then everyone loses.

Kisses to your miracle!

Anonymous said...

I have been on the other blog and am also irritated about the commenting you are referring to. Apparently said commenter above apologizing when her comments are out of line.

Shannon said...

Oh I TOTALLY agree with you! That really bothered me as well. I think what made it worse was when I told her I thought it was awful that she was talking about her own son like that?!

My son is disabled ..born at 24 weeks. I do however have to disagree with you on one thing. I don't have guilt. I would not change my son (another topic I get blasted about) and I am not bitter or angry with the hand I was dealt. There are a few of us I guess that don't have guilt and are happy! :)

Sammie said...

I agree with you. I had twin sons at 24 weeks, we lost one at 12 days old, my guilt for my body failing them will never go away.. but it keeps me going for my surviving twin also! I love reading your blog! Thanks alot!

23wktwins'mommy said...

LOVE this post...and wish I had read it sooner. I attempted to call *her* on that lovely phrase she opted to use. No point. Total denial...then said she was referring to her own son...holy %$#*! Anyway, I agree with you 100%!